When I was pregnant with Alexa I dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. I still remember sitting at a neighborhood park in California praying that I could one day live out that dream. I sat at a picnic table and set my focus on a nearby house. I'm not sure why this one house stood out among the others. It was a crisp fall day, even for California, and the front door was decorated with a beautiful fall wreath. Other festive decorations adorned the house. I wondered what was going on inside. We didn't have a house at the time. We were still apartment dwellers. But I knew in my heart that it wouldn't be too long before we had a house of our own. The baby within me stretched my belly reminding me that she was growing and growing quickly. I stared at the house and imagined I was inside; inside the kitchen, observing the life of this particular family. I imagined a mother at the stove stirring a pot of something. Maybe it was stew. A few feet away, was a teenage daughter chopping vegetables. They talked and laughed and shared an intimate moment; preparing a meal together.
I prayed silently. "Lord, I hope to be a stay-at-home mommy. I hope that you will allow me the opportunity to raise my child at home." I held my belly unsure of what the future would hold.
Three and a half years later, my husband announces that he will be transferred to Illinois. To make the news less threatening, he promises that I would not have to work. Those words gave me hope. My dream was coming true. I would in fact get to stay home and raise my daughter! We packed up and began our new adventure!
Life as a stay at home mom was blissful. I took complete advantage of my new role. I joined a MOPS group, enrolled Alexa in preschool and took weekly visits to the park and library. Made friends with other moms and planned countless playdates. Painted walls and decorated our new house. I even learned how to make Spanish rice from scratch!
It wasn't too long, maybe a year, before I started resenting the life of being a stay-at-home mom. My days became boring and lonely. My husband was making friends at work and had something to do everyday (even though it was just work). I still lived in a strange place and my family lived miles away. I sat with my four-year-old, everyday. That was it. That was all. And I learned that being at home wasn't all that great. I remember moments, just out of the blue, where I would stare out the window and feel bitterness well up. And that was pretty much how life went for the next eleven years. I should clarify that I didn't always feel bitterness about being home. There were also moments of gratitude that took hold from time to time. For me, it was a back and forth feeling. I loved being at home. I hated being at home.
Over the years, I struggled with my "calling." Being at home was not glamorous. At all. And it NEVER felt important. I went through the motions. Cook. Clean. Care for Alexa. Cook. Clean. Clean. Clean. It got old real quick. And this is how I felt each year that passed. There has to be more to my life! I have to be worth more than this! Lord, give me something else, please! But nothing ever surfaced. And my boring life continued...
I wish I understood then what I understand now. I wish God didn't wait so long to reveal my true purpose (which still is being a stay-at-home mommy). Honestly, I wish I wasn't so stubborn and rebellious. I wish I embraced my role sooner. God is patient, though. And he will wait. And wait. And he did. He waited, while I struggled with my purpose, because let's face it, I didn't fully embrace being a stay-at-home mom all that much.
After many years of fighting with laundry, dinner, toilets, floors and countless other less than glamorous tasks, I broke down. I cried. No... I bawled. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I remember the exact moment. My teenage daughter complained about not having something washed. I JUST DID FIVE LOADS OF LAUNDRY! Of course the one load that I opted to wait on contained the pair of shorts she wanted. I grabbed the mound of laundry and threw it into the washer, my husband following behind me, and shouted, "I HATE MY LIFE!" As soon as those words flew out of my mouth, I knew I would regret it. The hurt and confusion on my husband's face stung me.
You know, sometimes a good "breakdown" is needed before genuine restoration can begin. Why am I sharing this with you? Shouldn't I keep this part of me a secret and in the "closet?" Well, I certainly could. But do you ever feel like God prompts you to share something even though it may feel uncomfortable? Maybe, just maybe, there is one mama out there really hating her life as a stay-at-home mama. Or perhaps someone struggles with a different burden. Whatever it is, no matter how big or how small, God is big enough for it all! God desires us to live in joy. See, when I realized that God was disappointed in my lack of joy, I began to see just how much worse my life could be. Amen? Life could always be worse.
How am I feeling now? Blessed, for one. Thankful, for another. Joyous, that God chose running my home over the years to restore me! He made me new, here at home. I grew. I matured. I experienced many things here in my home that helped draw me closer to Him. Does that make sense? The highs and lows molded me. I love more. I really love more. I love people more than I used to. I love cooking more than I used to. I LOVE keeping my house tidy. Not really, but I do LOVE a clean house. I love sitting on my front porch whenever I feel like it, where I can read (whether my Bible or a great novel). I love driving my kids EVERYWHERE! I love raising my girls. I love spending time with the Hubs.
I just thought everyone should know that I LOVE MY LIFE!
So begins this new blog adventure. I hope to share life here in my home. I hope that in doing so, outsiders will see Christ in a big way. No, my life is not all that exciting. Then again, I guess it depends on ones interpretation of exciting. To me, life here at home, is pretty normal. But in that normalcy, great things happen! Attitudes change. Lives change. And sometimes that is all worth sharing!
Blessings!
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