Mama Blues

I shared in an earlier post that I felt depressed some time back.  Again, not clinically, just felt real blah.  Another time I felt that blah feeling was during our adoption process (paperwork and finances).  I remember feeling sad and hopeless knowing nothing was really in my control. I remember reading a devotion online during that time on the topic of depression. I stared blankly at the computer screen and thought, could it be? Could I really be depressed?  I told myself, "But you've never been depressed." Depression was only for really sad people, right? Like the people you see in all those commercials who don't get out of bed in the morning. I walked over to our picture window in our living room and stared out. The warmth of the sun could not shake me from my sadness. I stood there and conceded, "Yeah, I think I'm depressed." And walked away...

A few months back, I felt a similar sadness. This time it was because of this:

I was already having a hard time with the fact that she was in high school. As her first year came to an end, I became more panicked. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back to younger years.  I wanted her to be nine again. I wanted to see that crooked smile again. I wanted to read books to her again. I wanted to take her to the park again. I wanted to be her everything again...

I walked day to day with the air sucked out of me. I couldn't catch my breath. I fought, I fought hard to stave off panic attacks.  Like a lost child in an amusement park, I froze not knowing what to do or where to go. In three more years she would be off to college. Three more years! I need more time. I need more than three years! I felt like shaking God by the shoulders and screaming, "Why!! Why do they have to grow up and leave!"

I remember being curled up on my bed and having a good cry. You know the kind of cry you had as a child?  The kind of cry that shook your whole body. It really was all I could do. Time. It doesn't care. It doesn't care that you are sad or hurting. The clock laughed at me and mocked me with its ticking. I laid there, drained of all my energy. But it felt good. All the pent up emotion finally found a way out, leaving me quiet...But my heart still hurt.

I felt depressed. I was depressed. I didn't need a doctor to tell me I was sad. I pulled myself out of bed and did what I always do. I opened my Bible. I don't do life alone.

 I read this: You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon him, for you are his personal concern. 1 Peter 5:7 (Phillips)

So I did just that. I prayed. I threw all my anxieties on him. If I was really his personal concern then I had to trust him. When I do, when I truly trust him, he never leaves me hanging for long. During my time of reflection, I read this in Choose Joy, by Kay Warren:

 "Because life is short, every season must be savored slowly and actually enjoyed."

And this: "...all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." (an excerpt from Lord of the Rings, in Choose Joy)

And from one of my favorite blogs: "A new season is here and I have to jump down off my fence and stop waiting for something that will not return. I must continue down my path of motherhood and stop looking back at the good ol' days and remember to live in this day. Always remembering to live."

It was as if God took me by the hand, sat me down and said, "See, there's still more yet to come."

I remember very vividly, sitting on my porch, having my quiet time with the Lord. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of my burning bush (is it a coincidence that my conversations with God often times happen next to my burning bush?). The breeze blew and a smile grew on my face. I looked around. I looked at my lawn, my neighborhood and my house. I felt grateful to be here...in this moment. I felt grateful for my role as a mom. Thankful that I have experienced all that I have with my girls. I suddenly looked forward to our future as a family; all the new things we would experience together. A wave of peace and joy washed over me. In my heart, I could almost hear God say, "Let's do this! Let's do it good!"

(More on the topic of motherhood next week)